i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
