She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
