I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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