I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize