why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
