can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
