If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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