I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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