i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
