I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
