i wish starbucks made bloody marys
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
