If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
