i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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