I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
