dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just had sex on a roof
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
