it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
