my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
