i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Randomize
