Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
