My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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