i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
