Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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