Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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