woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
