Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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