Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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