we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
