she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
