answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
