If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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