dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
two words...techno handjob
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
