i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just pynch a tree in the face
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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