i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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