genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize