I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
