i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Houston, we have a blender
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
