i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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