I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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