thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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