11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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