I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
