***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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