Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
