My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
