Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
