I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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