When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
