If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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