I wanna passion pit in your ass
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
