when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize