Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
