Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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