WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
