I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
