plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He passed out mid-signature
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
