I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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